Moved

Well I have officially moved to Peppermint Drops.

Lucy Schwartz - Turn Back Around

Final moments

Well it's another end. It's been both good and bad but most of all extremely fast. But if I were to sum it all up, I would say that 09 has been amazing. Met up with those I've been out of touch with for so long and have had people in my life whom within a short period of time have come to mean so much to me. To them I owe so much for the great times and the support.

So with 24 hours left of 2009, I say...Thank you! It's been great!

2010...Bring it ON!

I really can't believe Fall 09 is finally over. Really I can't even begin to describe how hectic I feel this semester has been, yet nothing of it was exactly out of the ordinary. Maybe it was the things happening around me. All I know is that I feel drained and wish nothing more than rest and stress free within the next 3 weeks.

*Sigh*

There's seriously too many things running through my head. I just need to organize them and decide my next step. Where do I start? Would this just lead to a repetition of the past?

Just As I Have Learned From You

We learn a lot from the people around us. Despite being half crazed most of the time, I've learned a lot from those clowns who are always around. It really made me rethink things about myself. I just hope that, like them I do have something to offer to people as well. Not that it needs to be acknowledged, just that it would be nice to believe that there is something in me to offer just as they have.

At The Moment...

I'm really pissed with someone. You really should have tried giving some better lame excuse. Wish I could throw a punch in your face. Make that two.

I Carry Your Heart With Me

I poem by E.E Cummings I've always liked and forgot until now

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in

My heart) I am never without it (anywhere

I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

By only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear

No fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want

No world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

And the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

Higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

I'm Never Going To...

Keep my thumb drives linked together by a keychain anymore. To think I thought I lost it with all my important assignments in it ended the last day of the semester real bad. *Sigh* Friday still sounds like a 'The dog ate my homework" day.

Worse of all, I just found out that it was in my backpack the whole time. Damn!

Poison and Wine

Heard this song while watching Grey's Anatomy Season 6 Episode 9 and just thought that I had to have it. Plus the lyric is...well let's say seems like something close to heart.

You only know what I want you to

I know everything you don't want me to

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

Happy Birthday Ah Sin

Today is Ah Sin's birthday. Almost 7 years since he's gone and went away. He was so full of life when he was alive. Always with a smile. Never have I ever remembered him without one. Every single time I pass by Sin Sang Lee to turn to wave he always smiled and waved. What he and Sainty had together for that 6 years, was something I could only dream and wish on having.

But enough about the sad stuff. What I really wanted to say is that even in death Ah Sin has thought me something. He's thought how short life is. How, we should grasp every single moment and just live. Sometimes, I think back about the last time we went out together before Sainty flew back to KL. I remember glancing at the rear mirror and seeing them happy with each other.

I wish I have what they had. Well...maybe I did have the chance to have it, but knowing me I need more than a shake to make me realize it before regretting things and wishing for a second chance. I don't mean I want to settle down, just perhaps...something...I guess.

Anyway Happy Birthday Ah Sin. 7 years really does fly by. We think of you from time and to time and we hope that you're having a blast up there with Alfie.

Where Do I Go From Here?

It's been a long time since I updated my blog. A lot has been going on and of course that that hasn't as well. Back in Ames again and going on week 7 into classes. Another busy semester...yada...yada...same old...same old.

I'm still plagued about the choices I made over summer or more like the choices I didn't make. I really do have to put pride aside. Do I regret what I've done? Well of course I do. I should have listened when they said that Summer is too long to leave things. Plus they were right when they said I could have both and not just one or the other. I knew they were right about it, but then again like I said it was pride that kept me from doing what I really wanted.

So what do I do now that it's too late? Make amends or just leave things aside? A part of me wants fate to determine the next move, but since when has fate been the problem solver? Fate only moves in the direction you want it to be. I still have to make the first move for it and let things go the way it is meant to be.

I really wish things were easy. Maybe they are if I just learn from my lesson and put pride aside (as what Chloe and Rachel keeps saying). But perhaps it is too late. I thought I was done and through with it a few weeks ago. Now...now I think that I was just telling myself that so that I won't blame myself. I'm not through with it. I just really don't know what my next moves are or what they should be.

I wish it were easier to give myself advice to follow through. I tell Sainty what she should do with how things are with Benny. Yet, I can't seem to find a solution for myself. I'm in a much less complicated situation in comparison. That's one thing I have to admire about her. She has the guts and determination to go through with what her heart is set for. I on the other hand deliberate too much. I know the answer, I just can't seem to have the guts to put things into motion. I know what I crave for, but pride always seem to keep me away from doing it.

So really now, where do I go from here?

Trials and Tribulations

*raises glass* Here's to an effing life!

I've come to a place in life where it's either this or that and nothing in between. Unfortunately unlike the ones that I've been through before, this one plagues me no end. I'm pressured to making a decision and either way, not making one is killing me as much as making one. Truth be told, I really don't know where to go from here.

Advices and opinions that come pouring in doesn't seem as helpful. I'm not ungrateful, but both makes a lot of sense equally. In the end, I'm left debating all my points and their points and still very much indecisive in my decision.

I really wish that I could just push matters aside. The only thing is that, day by day it occupies a bigger part of what is on my mind. Being busy doesn't help, going home makes things worse since there's nothing much to do, and everything I did this weekend that helped lessen it if not all really went to waste after coming back home. A new hairdo and shopping barely made a dent to this steely feeling. It's been another expensive weekend; one I can't afford to repeat a third time around.

I've finally come to understand that annoying *slits wrist* expression. I used to be so annoyed about it, but in the past few days it's the only thing that seems to pop into mind. No, I'm not being suicidal here nor am I using it for the same reason the last person I knew who used it. I'm just saying that it's been popping a lot in my head recently and I don't know why but it does complement my current mood and worries.

*rolls eyes* Cheers...

A little prayer

I often forget in my good times the abundance of blessings God has given me. I'm ashamed to say that for the past 6 months I have hardly attended mass especially whenever my heart feels heavy. I succumb to the rationale of better staying away given the lack of attention during mass by the burdens in my heart. I've forgotten the calmness I normally feel whenever I'm in church. The feeling that being alone in my worries, the pain of my heavy heart, the confusions in my mind are always made more bearable sitting in the pews. Yet despite my absence in church, God has never left my side and reaches to me through friends and family. Always in his own way he let's me know his love and presence in my life. Here I share a short prayer someone sent me today. A prayer that came to me after a day burdened with things my heart has been bearing for quite sometime.

Father,

I ask you to bless my friends reading this right now.
I am asking You to minister to their spirit at this very moment.
Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy.
Where there is self doubting, release a renewed confidence to work through them.
Where there is spiritual stagnation, I ask You to renew them by revealing Your nearness, and by drawing them into greater intimacy with You.
Where there is fear, reveal Your love, and release to them Your courage.
Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders and friends to support and encourage them.
Give each of them discernment to recognize the evil forces around them, and reveal to them the power they have in You to defeat it.
I ask you to do these things in Jesus' name.

Tower and Shelter Like No Other...

I don't know what made me visit Sher's blog tonight.

But I found what I needed to hear.

I found the very words that despite all my confusions, my worries and my trouble;

Despite being lost,

Despite all the tears for the past few weeks,

There's always a place, a person to turn to...

To just find my way back home.

"Your name, is a strong and mighty tower,

Your name is a shelter like no other...

cause nothing has the power to save but Your name"

~Paul Baloche - Your Name~

It's been a really good weekend. For the first time since everything has happened I'm feeling much calmer. I've been distracted and pretty much too occupied to think about it. Most of all...I've slept.I've forgotten what it's like to have such a restful sleep instead of just sleep. It really was the right decision to stay over at Edna's place for the weekend.

Pure Boredom

OMG...the BOREDEOM of it all!!!!!! I'm seriously dying here at the office with nothing to do. I've made all the calls...I've finished the report of yesterday's meeting and now I'm stuck with nothing to do. I've done everything that needs to be done and I'm really feeling bored right now.

Finally I understand Sip Chen's belly aching about being bored in the office. Seriously, please just give me something to do. It doesn't seem nice to be seating here reading my book although I'm really itching to continue reading it. There's nothing much to surf online, since I really have no idea what to surf for anyway.

That's it. The moment the clock turns 5.30pm, I'll punch my card and walk out the door. Oh the boredom...the BOREDOM.....

Love and Light...RIP

I got the news of MJ's death on the radio in the car this morning. By the time I reached the office my Facebook and Twitter pages were already flooded with condolences from friends and by noon memorial signing for him was already set up on FB. His death pretty much over shadowed the news of Farrah Fawcett's passing, who is more likely to be remembered in the 1970's Charlie's Angels.

Being brought up with MJ's songs (and country songs and oldies) and my parents reminiscing about the TV series Charlie's Angels, I wish I could say that I mourned with the other millions the lost of two talents; but the only thing that ran through my mind was 'go out and LIVE your life'. The same thing that ran through my mind when I got to know about Catherine's passing.

There's so many things in the past, which I wish I did or at least had the guts to do. Most of the time, my gutsy feeling kicks in just a little too late. So yeah, here I am on a Friday determined to make a new resolution (even if it is a little too late into the year). From now on, it's about making the best of things and not over thinking stuff. And maybe...just maybe...I'll learn to swallow a bit more of my pride and not let it stand in the way of something I've sworn I've learned my lesson from close ones; where too late is all about regrets and bittersweet memories locked in a drawer, brought out once in a while drawing nothing but tears and pain.

First In Line

There's so many things on my mind. Being swamped with work doesn't seem to be helping much in pushing them out. Most of the time they lurk somewhere at the back despite my needing my utmost attention at work.

So what's a girl gotta do? OK well been listening to Matthew Mayfield - First In Line over and over again for the past two days. Pathetic? Yup I hear ya. If my Ipod could say something it would have long since told me to change to another song or just kill it already. But the thing is that the song kind of have this really calming effect.

I really can't wait for Sainty to get here next month. We've both already have the whole evening planned out. Dinner, a bottle of wine or champagne and a whole night of catching up over the past year. So many things have happened since we've left high school. Sometimes I wonder if I really am my age or should I be older because of all that has happened.

Igrid Michaelson

I've always loved this song...and I just loved this version by Igrid Michaelson. Those who watch OTH would know this song from Lucas' and Peyton's wedding ceremony.

In Loving Memory of Teacher Catherine Yong

We are reminded how fragile our lives are everytime someone we know passes away. How sudden deaths make us stop in our tracks and reexamine our lives. We realize once again how short life is...that it takes not only the old but the young as well. That at this young age, we aren't invincible after all.

I don't have much memories of Teacher Cath, since I was only in SFX for a year and a half. So unlike my other ex-schoolmates, I didn't have the privilege of being taught by her, except the privilege of knowing her. It's sad that only now, being much older do I actually start to appreciate my teachers back in school. Only now do I realize that their sarcasm didn't really matter much because they were the ones that normally got me all fired up to prove them wrong. Darn reverse psychology! *smiles*

Hearing about her passing just reopened all those worries and fears. It reminded me to live. To appreciate the people around me and to let those I love know how much they mean to me and how much I love them. I never want the regret of never having told someone how much they've meant to me. I don't want knowing that I let pride stand in my way and never get back something again because it was too late. I just want to live and feel alive.

I hope her soul is at peace and that her husband and family find solace from the love and support of relatives and friends.