I Carry Your Heart With Me

I poem by E.E Cummings I've always liked and forgot until now

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in

My heart) I am never without it (anywhere

I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

By only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear

No fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want

No world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

And the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

Higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

I'm Never Going To...

Keep my thumb drives linked together by a keychain anymore. To think I thought I lost it with all my important assignments in it ended the last day of the semester real bad. *Sigh* Friday still sounds like a 'The dog ate my homework" day.

Worse of all, I just found out that it was in my backpack the whole time. Damn!

Poison and Wine

Heard this song while watching Grey's Anatomy Season 6 Episode 9 and just thought that I had to have it. Plus the lyric is...well let's say seems like something close to heart.

You only know what I want you to

I know everything you don't want me to

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I still choose you

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

I always will

Happy Birthday Ah Sin

Today is Ah Sin's birthday. Almost 7 years since he's gone and went away. He was so full of life when he was alive. Always with a smile. Never have I ever remembered him without one. Every single time I pass by Sin Sang Lee to turn to wave he always smiled and waved. What he and Sainty had together for that 6 years, was something I could only dream and wish on having.

But enough about the sad stuff. What I really wanted to say is that even in death Ah Sin has thought me something. He's thought how short life is. How, we should grasp every single moment and just live. Sometimes, I think back about the last time we went out together before Sainty flew back to KL. I remember glancing at the rear mirror and seeing them happy with each other.

I wish I have what they had. Well...maybe I did have the chance to have it, but knowing me I need more than a shake to make me realize it before regretting things and wishing for a second chance. I don't mean I want to settle down, just perhaps...something...I guess.

Anyway Happy Birthday Ah Sin. 7 years really does fly by. We think of you from time and to time and we hope that you're having a blast up there with Alfie.

Where Do I Go From Here?

It's been a long time since I updated my blog. A lot has been going on and of course that that hasn't as well. Back in Ames again and going on week 7 into classes. Another busy semester...yada...yada...same old...same old.

I'm still plagued about the choices I made over summer or more like the choices I didn't make. I really do have to put pride aside. Do I regret what I've done? Well of course I do. I should have listened when they said that Summer is too long to leave things. Plus they were right when they said I could have both and not just one or the other. I knew they were right about it, but then again like I said it was pride that kept me from doing what I really wanted.

So what do I do now that it's too late? Make amends or just leave things aside? A part of me wants fate to determine the next move, but since when has fate been the problem solver? Fate only moves in the direction you want it to be. I still have to make the first move for it and let things go the way it is meant to be.

I really wish things were easy. Maybe they are if I just learn from my lesson and put pride aside (as what Chloe and Rachel keeps saying). But perhaps it is too late. I thought I was done and through with it a few weeks ago. Now...now I think that I was just telling myself that so that I won't blame myself. I'm not through with it. I just really don't know what my next moves are or what they should be.

I wish it were easier to give myself advice to follow through. I tell Sainty what she should do with how things are with Benny. Yet, I can't seem to find a solution for myself. I'm in a much less complicated situation in comparison. That's one thing I have to admire about her. She has the guts and determination to go through with what her heart is set for. I on the other hand deliberate too much. I know the answer, I just can't seem to have the guts to put things into motion. I know what I crave for, but pride always seem to keep me away from doing it.

So really now, where do I go from here?