Happy Birthday Ah Sin

Today is Ah Sin's birthday. Almost 7 years since he's gone and went away. He was so full of life when he was alive. Always with a smile. Never have I ever remembered him without one. Every single time I pass by Sin Sang Lee to turn to wave he always smiled and waved. What he and Sainty had together for that 6 years, was something I could only dream and wish on having.

But enough about the sad stuff. What I really wanted to say is that even in death Ah Sin has thought me something. He's thought how short life is. How, we should grasp every single moment and just live. Sometimes, I think back about the last time we went out together before Sainty flew back to KL. I remember glancing at the rear mirror and seeing them happy with each other.

I wish I have what they had. Well...maybe I did have the chance to have it, but knowing me I need more than a shake to make me realize it before regretting things and wishing for a second chance. I don't mean I want to settle down, just perhaps...something...I guess.

Anyway Happy Birthday Ah Sin. 7 years really does fly by. We think of you from time and to time and we hope that you're having a blast up there with Alfie.

Where Do I Go From Here?

It's been a long time since I updated my blog. A lot has been going on and of course that that hasn't as well. Back in Ames again and going on week 7 into classes. Another busy semester...yada...yada...same old...same old.

I'm still plagued about the choices I made over summer or more like the choices I didn't make. I really do have to put pride aside. Do I regret what I've done? Well of course I do. I should have listened when they said that Summer is too long to leave things. Plus they were right when they said I could have both and not just one or the other. I knew they were right about it, but then again like I said it was pride that kept me from doing what I really wanted.

So what do I do now that it's too late? Make amends or just leave things aside? A part of me wants fate to determine the next move, but since when has fate been the problem solver? Fate only moves in the direction you want it to be. I still have to make the first move for it and let things go the way it is meant to be.

I really wish things were easy. Maybe they are if I just learn from my lesson and put pride aside (as what Chloe and Rachel keeps saying). But perhaps it is too late. I thought I was done and through with it a few weeks ago. Now...now I think that I was just telling myself that so that I won't blame myself. I'm not through with it. I just really don't know what my next moves are or what they should be.

I wish it were easier to give myself advice to follow through. I tell Sainty what she should do with how things are with Benny. Yet, I can't seem to find a solution for myself. I'm in a much less complicated situation in comparison. That's one thing I have to admire about her. She has the guts and determination to go through with what her heart is set for. I on the other hand deliberate too much. I know the answer, I just can't seem to have the guts to put things into motion. I know what I crave for, but pride always seem to keep me away from doing it.

So really now, where do I go from here?

Trials and Tribulations

*raises glass* Here's to an effing life!

I've come to a place in life where it's either this or that and nothing in between. Unfortunately unlike the ones that I've been through before, this one plagues me no end. I'm pressured to making a decision and either way, not making one is killing me as much as making one. Truth be told, I really don't know where to go from here.

Advices and opinions that come pouring in doesn't seem as helpful. I'm not ungrateful, but both makes a lot of sense equally. In the end, I'm left debating all my points and their points and still very much indecisive in my decision.

I really wish that I could just push matters aside. The only thing is that, day by day it occupies a bigger part of what is on my mind. Being busy doesn't help, going home makes things worse since there's nothing much to do, and everything I did this weekend that helped lessen it if not all really went to waste after coming back home. A new hairdo and shopping barely made a dent to this steely feeling. It's been another expensive weekend; one I can't afford to repeat a third time around.

I've finally come to understand that annoying *slits wrist* expression. I used to be so annoyed about it, but in the past few days it's the only thing that seems to pop into mind. No, I'm not being suicidal here nor am I using it for the same reason the last person I knew who used it. I'm just saying that it's been popping a lot in my head recently and I don't know why but it does complement my current mood and worries.

*rolls eyes* Cheers...

A little prayer

I often forget in my good times the abundance of blessings God has given me. I'm ashamed to say that for the past 6 months I have hardly attended mass especially whenever my heart feels heavy. I succumb to the rationale of better staying away given the lack of attention during mass by the burdens in my heart. I've forgotten the calmness I normally feel whenever I'm in church. The feeling that being alone in my worries, the pain of my heavy heart, the confusions in my mind are always made more bearable sitting in the pews. Yet despite my absence in church, God has never left my side and reaches to me through friends and family. Always in his own way he let's me know his love and presence in my life. Here I share a short prayer someone sent me today. A prayer that came to me after a day burdened with things my heart has been bearing for quite sometime.

Father,

I ask you to bless my friends reading this right now.
I am asking You to minister to their spirit at this very moment.
Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy.
Where there is self doubting, release a renewed confidence to work through them.
Where there is spiritual stagnation, I ask You to renew them by revealing Your nearness, and by drawing them into greater intimacy with You.
Where there is fear, reveal Your love, and release to them Your courage.
Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders and friends to support and encourage them.
Give each of them discernment to recognize the evil forces around them, and reveal to them the power they have in You to defeat it.
I ask you to do these things in Jesus' name.

Tower and Shelter Like No Other...

I don't know what made me visit Sher's blog tonight.

But I found what I needed to hear.

I found the very words that despite all my confusions, my worries and my trouble;

Despite being lost,

Despite all the tears for the past few weeks,

There's always a place, a person to turn to...

To just find my way back home.

"Your name, is a strong and mighty tower,

Your name is a shelter like no other...

cause nothing has the power to save but Your name"

~Paul Baloche - Your Name~