when coping becomes hard

Day 2 and I’m surviving this whole ordeal sadly I admit, not as good as I had hoped. In fact, I was not even ‘not as good’. I failed miserably. I guess this time I would have to admit that it was more than what I could possibly chew.

I’ve been restless the whole day today. I’m extremely exhausted from last night’s drama and to think that it’s only the beginning is absolutely mind blowing and not in a good way. Still, life goes on as they say and the best I can do is to accept this as a whole new battle, which I’m yet to find a way around.

Sometimes it’s really funny how you find things when you least expect it. I came home, choosing to take summer off and just be bored for a whole 3 months (and mind you, regretting it during the first week itself), getting the total opposite instead! Indeed I admit that I would have laughed if anyone would have told me, that this is what I would be facing back home. I would have said that this isn’t a place for such dramas, but a place left alive fueled with small town going ons.

Needless to say that I miss my friends horribly. Sure they’re there for me throughout this whole thing, but sometimes physical comfort is what a person needs instead of comforting and reassuring words. Now I’m just sounding like a real ungrateful brat. And that’s not how it is, because I really appreciate them so much. They’ve been there for me, keeping sacred our friendship. No questions. No judgments. Just soothing words how everything would turn out well in the end.

So I’m still here, holding on and hoping that the ‘everything to gain’ part I mentioned in the last entry would come soon, with no more dramas. No more tests.

4 days BEGONE!!

Back in Sandakan again after a 6 hour drive to which it was raining heavily most of the way. No more euphoric feeling like Saturday, just a certain hard fallback to normalcy.

So right now sitting on my bed, I'm wishing I can go back to my Saturday afternoon with Sainty to consult her about this awful feeling I'm feeling now. Even retail therapy didn't do the trick this time, or maybe it would have if the news weren't broken to me after it. Nope...I don't think shopping would have helped this time.

It's just that...it really feels like someone throwing ice cold water at you while you were sleeping to a real fantastic, fairy tale dream. You wake up to a horrific nightmare, and since it's reality you'll never wake up from it.

I really want Wednesday to Saturday morning to just be erased out from this week. Those would certainly be long days, to which every second would seem like an hour long with a nagging feeling that just won't go away.

Much though I hate what's going to happen, I guess I've decided to cope and be grown up about it, even though it's really not what I feel like doing. It's the best thing I can do and acting any other way would only make things worse, and worse is not an option.

Sometimes play acting really is just a part of life. Like it or not, it's something inevitable that has to be accepted. There's a lot of times in life when we're forced to do things we don't like, to accept things that we can't change. To just swallow the bitterness and put on a happy face.

So I'm very much determined to face those four days. At the end of the day, there really is nothing to lose but everything to gain. And I look forward to the gaining part.

I'm in KK part II

I'm glad the car wouldn't start today and that I had to send the battery to the shop to recharge it.


Think me crazy. Think me odd. But if it hadn't happened that way, today would not have turned out the way it did. I would not have had that long talk with my bestie, and finally get all those things off my shoulder. Then again, maybe it was the massage that did it. Whatever it is, a bit of pampering coupled with a girls' day out are exactly what a girl needs to take all those tension off the shoulder.


Going back to Papar was also checked off my KK list. Visited moing and said goodbye to Tracy, Megan and Belle. It was kind of sad saying bye to them, but at least I wouldn't have to leave without personally saying bye.


Shopping however had to be crossed off my agenda. Sainty and I agreed that there wasn't decent enough time for proper shopping. So dinner at McDonald's it was, and lucky enough that we did.


You see, the reason I said it was lucky that the car wouldn't start today is because if it did, we would have perhaps been driving separate cars, or maybe my car to get it running since it's hardly used. We would have gone back to Papar earlier and gone shopping. We wouldn't have had dinner at McD's and later stop by at Public Bank's ATM...and found RM200, which Sainty practically split with me!



*hugs self with glee*

I'm in...

KK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and psyched to be here! My last and final getaway before I leave in 2 weeks time. It may sound cliched when I say the last 3 months went by in a flash...but it seriously did. Now I'm half dreading and half excited to leave. I'm glad though that Dave would be there too so I won't feel totally alone.

Back to my KK getaway (give me a break I know it's only KK). Today would be a day where I'm supposed to do the laundry, shop for some stuff, go back to Papar and then hopefully go for another round of pampering with Sainty. *Dreamy sigh*

I can't wait...can't wait...can't wait...

OK I seriously need to go...being kicked off the comp to go get ready for breakfast by a certain very pushy someone *wink and smiles*

Will continue this later when I'm totally free and have more things to say other than being psyched =)

They say things happen in three

Call it superstition. Call it coincidence. I leave that for you to decide.

But seriously, this evening's events unfurled with me having to chauffeur Sam and his friends to church. After that, things just happened one after the other.

Event 1: Driving with the fog lights on.
I seriously did not realize I was doing this. I did realize that my headlights were unusually yellow, but decided that perhaps Dad changed the lights without telling me. So I drove all the way to church from my house with the fog lights turned on, and perhaps passing a lot of annoyed drivers on the way.

It was only at church, when I saw my friend whose car I tailgated (I know it sounds like stalking but I was not) somewhere near the church and asked him if he knew it was me even before I flashed my headlights at him. Here's what he said...

"Yeah I knew it was you before, because you're the only car in Sandakan that drives with the fog lights on"

Apparently it wasn't my first time driving with the fog lights, and I NEVER knew about this. He on the other hand thought I was a hoot and said only I was capable of such thing. Sure I was a bit upset because I hate being caught in situations that makes me look totally illiterate when it comes to cars.

Event 2: Car key stuck in the ignition.
Well after dropping the kids off at church, I decided to stop over to buy mom the pancakes she likes. Found a parking, parked, turned the engine off, but couldn't get the key OUT! I tried turning it slowly, tried turning the engine back on and off again still with the same result. Few tries later I knew I couldn't do it myself and with Dad away on business, I needed to find a new emergency saviour.

Well he did come, but at the expense of missing the Novena prayers. Call it opportunity cost but I on the other hand felt real guilty about it. So he tries getting the key out from the ignition. Another friend who happened to be there also tried, but to no avail.

After sometime, my friend slides behind the wheel and tells me to get in the car. So I meekly said goodbye to the other friend and got into the passenger seat, all the time laden with guilt thinking my friend was angry or annoyed with me. He wasn't of course, but we did have to find a mechanic who could take that green key out!

Since all the car shops were closed, he called his mechanic friend and explained the situation. The friend in turn gave a series of instructions to follow and Lo Behold! The key came out! So we drove back to my friend's car since he had to return to church again. I on the other hand, headed for home.

Event 3: When someone runs a red light.
So on the way home, I have to pass a set of traffic lights at a T-junction. Since the lights were green, I only barely slowed down until I saw a car coming out from the junction. Confussed and shocked, I turned to look at the traffic lights again just in case I made a mistake to see it green and I wasn't the one at fault. Confussion turned to annoyance to the carelessness of the other driver and I turned to look, just to send the message of my annoyance.

It was Brian! Was I ever angry...I'm just glad he later text messaged me saying that it was his fault and he was sorry. I jumped to the opportunity of him buying me ice cream as an apology.


So there, things did indeed happen in three for me this evening. It was annoying how it happened one after the other within a time frame of 2 hours, but it did. Arthur laughed at the evening's events, saying that it could only happen to me, which in a way is true but that does not mean I find it funny. I just hope nothing like that happens again...EVER!

Wise Sayings

"Vespa? You want a vespa? You can't even ride a bicycle!"

Arthur should really thank his lucky stars that we were talking about it on the phone or else I would not have hesitated to strangle and squeeze the very last breath out of him.

To set records straight...I CAN ride a bicycle, since as long as I can remember. I can ride a motorcycle since I was 10 and learnt how to drive when I was 14! So his accusation was entirely an unfounded accusation with no evidentiary proof. BUT this is really not what I wanted to blog about.

I was sitting in my room when a flood of wise sayings I've picked up from friends came flooding in. It's really funny about how hilarious they might seem but there really is a lot of truth in them. Here's one, which I totally have to agree on even if perhaps it should be worded in a much nicer way...

Yugi, "NOBODY dies a VIRGIN because life ends up fucking you in the end". Of course we're not referring to physical celibacy, it's just a metaphor, but it's undeniably true. Life always has a way of creating obstacles in life, which we find totally screws us up. It's frustrating but at the end of the day it's true what the saying says...What doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.

Kelly, "You should buy clothes that fits you just nice or else slightly smaller to motivate yourself to maintain or loose weight. Buying clothes one or two sizes bigger only gives you an excuse to put on weight". Again I find that true. This especially applies to the female gender. Most of the time we buy clothes we love/like and when we actually invest a lot into buying that one piece of clothing we want it to last a very long time. Gaining weight means that we can either put it into storage hoping that one day we'll fit into it again or give it away. When it fits just nice or slightly smaller, then we work hard to maintain or shed some weight. Call us complicated, but women sometimes need self motivation to stay focused.

So there, that's the two that I remember. I shouldn't have procrastinated and delayed writing up this entry, because now I can only remember two of those wise sayings. Another lesson learnt - procrastination is BAD. But since when have I heeded that anyway?

A cup half empty

There's nothing worst than having a heavy feeling in your heart, very much close to a time when you'll be gone for a very long time. What makes it harder is the fact, where you have to force a cheery voice and personality to cover it up. It's more draining than a hectic day. To add on to that, you have someone practically almost breathing down your neck. Yes - at the moment, nothing is worst than what I feel now.

I guess I should be glad that the whole day wasn't as dreadful as what I'm feeling now. I did in fact have a nice time playing and cooing with the baby at the organic shop mom dragged me to. Plus there was some other considerably happy things as well...and the baby was really cute and laughed easily.

See? The baby really is cute. And I wasn't lying when I said it was so easy to make her laugh. I guess what I liked most about the laugh was that it made you feel good. It's just that for now, I'm confused about the whole dilemma I'm going through. I'm seriously trying to understand why was I meant to be caught in this very complicated situation, and whether at the end of the day I would be getting the outcome that I want.

How much longer must I wait anyway? Would I last until the very end? Aarati says the ending doesn't matter all that much...but it matters a lot to me...

When the fingers and brain are left to decide

There's a lot of times when I let my paranoia gets the best of me. It's not something I'm actually proud of, but call it my Achilles Heel. But today, today I'm glad to be proven twice wrong about it. And that what makes whatever crappy thing that has happened today seem so insignificant.

It's hard being a girl today =) what with feminism running rampant, we girls...*ehem* women, have more to prove. We have to prove that our motto of equality towards women should not be overlooked and that we are as much competent as men if not more. Of course it's a long time raging battle of the sexes, but it really is only barely starting to get old.

This evening, I had to prove I can drive a manual (although I have done it a lot of times). Partly because it was an attempt to cheer me up and partly to see my skills as a girl driving a shift stick; a break from a long standing habit of driving auto transmission cars. I'm glad to say that I passed, since I drove all the way to our destination without having the engine stall even once *pats self on the back*. The bad news is...I might have to drive that car to KK on the pretext of good exercise (since its claimed that I don't get any).

But first things first is to get the parents to agree, that I could go away for the weekend. I'm old enough to supposedly make that decision but I have to say that being financially dependent to your parents makes all things dimmer on your side. For the next few days I would really have to depend on my ally, so that at least I could get my weekend getaway before I leave for the States next month.

2.00am. The perfect time to start singing Anna Nalick's Breathe, but today has been a long day. So long, that even after my nap I woke up tired. Emotional and physical lethargy is definitely not a good mixture. And so, I take my leave and head off to my personal dreamland. Good Night...

Monday Evening

*This is an updated version of the previous entry, because I finally felt I could write what I feel rather than some garbled up version*

I’ve always been a firm believer in perfection. I believe that when something needs to be done, it should be done according to a specified checklist. What I never considered was that, some things don’t require perfection in the process leading to the final results. That art, is not about perfection, but talent. Talent, and the ability in one’s self to believe in one’s self, in delivering or performing the talent.

So when Arthur invited me over to see Cristopher and his sister Maxinne practice for their cousin’s wedding reception in August, I wasn’t exactly expecting the final outcome to be as what is shown in the 3 videos. I simply thought that it would be a nice change from my pretty much routine Monday evenings back home; I’m glad to be proven wrong.

Here is what I’ve learnt – playing the guitar and singing doesn’t necessarily require a special practice room like I normally see my other friends do. I should have learnt that from Kelly’s homemade videos. It doesn’t matter where music is played. It’s the spontaneity of the whole evening, coupled with the background sounds of crickets was what made it more relaxed and very much less pretentious. Also, though quality could not be denied of its importance, the talent of the performer supersedes it. For it is that, what brings the message across.

So I really hope you guys enjoy the 3 home videos below. And just a little addition at the end, pictures of the kids I took during that evening.

Here's the video of Cristopher on the guitar with Maxinne singing Especially For You.

Cristoper (Topo) playing Day Tripper/Lady Madonna.

And the last video...Maxinne singing LOVE.

Here are some pictures of the evening. Sorry they're all pictures of kids, but since I'm not good in photography, I more or less spoilt the other pictures.

Beaumont trying to grab the camera with Maxinne

Cassie...cute as ever...cuddly too!

Yes of course it's OUT! Melody just wanted to pose with that shisha thingamajig.

Kids just have the sweetest pose...Beaumont at the stairs

Of total boredom, desperation and lame-ness

Nope there is definitely no Wi-fi connection at church. So what this is, is a word saved document which would later be saved and posted :)

Basically what I’m doing now is sitting at the kindergarten waiting for participants for this marriage/family enrichment seminar. Nope I’m not a participant, more like an involuntary volunteer. The thing is, dad more or less offered my help without consulting me. I wouldn’t have minded except that this plan totally clashed with my date and I’m totally forced to cancel it :(. I guess i’d have to settle with a quick breakfast with him later.

I am totally BORED. My job is to sit at the registration desk and wait for people to come and collect their nametags. Other than that, I just sit at my ‘desk’ doing nothing, which is why I’ve decided to type out this blog (even though it’s kinda annoying mom that I’m sitting here typing).

10 minutes to 8am and only less than half has come and the seminar is scheduled to begin in 10 minutes! I am definitely stuck here until at least ¾ of the participants come. JOY! – NOT!

Ok...now I’m totally getting some sort of mental block and can’t even think about what to say anymore. Call it boredom or desperation to leave...I call it both :)

*just pure boredom and no offense meant to my volunteering*

Shhh...

Secrets. Something everybody has in common. Every one untold for its very own reasons – be it a fantasy too unrealistic to be shared or some dark secret shared only among those involved. Yet not all secrets could be bad. Secrets that makes one feel so good that the very thought of it makes the person hugs him/herself in delight are always meant to be kept. Some keep secrets of dark thoughts, thoughts worrisome enough to make a person wonder if it’s time to visit a shrink.

No matter what the secret is, we all have our reason as to why it is meant to be a secret and not something shared even with those we consider dear to us.

However, every once in a blue moon, there comes a time when secrets can no longer be kept alone. The very taught of the burden of the secret drives us to insanity and depression and encloses us inch by inch until we retreat into ourselves, ending up as a shell. It consumes you from the inside, spreading fast, malignant in every way.

I’ve felt how potent secrets could be. I’ve had those secret thoughts that scare you. I’ve seen how secrets have ruined a person. Seen how a person who was once a cheerful, strong willed girl, retreat within.

Thinking about it today made me wonder how one small secret makes you feel isolated from others. How influential a secret could be to a person’s life that it builds a wall, cutting us off from even the people we love.

One tiny little secret...treacherous in its own unexpected way.

twin otter

I've finally uploaded the pictures of the twin otter plane we took back to Sandakan last June. Never thought that I would ever fly in that kind of plane because I can't really take flying in small aircrafts (not being snobbish it's more because it shakes more than bigger planes).

Anyway flying the twin otter was actually a mistake on mom's side. She didn't realize what aircraft the flight was when she made the reservations. Well to be more honest, she never knew MAS flew such a small commercial plane in the first place and thought it would be either a fokker or a boeing. She didn't even get what the lady at the check-in counter meant by it being a small plane until she saw how horrified I was.

But anyway the flight wasn't bad at all. Other than it taking twice the flying time as a boeing, and noisy since the engine is so near it was kind of fun. It was so small the seats reminded me of sitting in one of those commercial mini vans.

See? That's how small a Twin Otter is. It can only sit less than 20 passangers at a time.

These are the seats in the aircraft. Yup people...totally unlike the ones you normally sit in. Told you it was more like those old mini van seats.

Since I can't randomly start taking people's picture, here's Sam to pose as the passenger (which of course he is one).

And finally the cockpit. To which I think can barely be called one since we could see it throughout the flight. And yeah you guessed it...no stewards or stewardesses!